The idea of thoughts swirling in your head, never making it to paper (keyboard)- I think THAT is the act of motherhood. Which is a shame, since loving on Levi has opened up an new part of my brain that taps into my heart like never before. And I'm also exhausted. Happily exhausted.
- Poop schedules run this town. Especially post solid food. Has he recently? How much? Consistency? Did he seem uncomfortable? It has actually become dinnertime conversation, which is weird. And gross.
- I have never wanted a smile from another human being so badly. I will do really embarrassing things for a smile.
-Being a Momma is all about sacrifice. But the tender mercy is that it REALLY doesn't feel like sacrifice. In retrospect- yeah, probably. My body. Naps. A clean house. A haircut. None of it's happening. But snuggling at 4 am? It doesn't seem like I am giving up anything. It seems like exactly what I should be doing.
-Car seats are really heavy. Have women really been lifting these things forever?? Whoa.
- I drive like a maniac when I am rushing to get home to Levi. Like a bat outta hell.
-I was so scared that I wouldn't really like Levi. I mean, I knew I'd love him. But I'm not really a "kid" person. I was so grateful that I would be going back to work part time. And then- he was here, and I haven't stopped smooching his round bald head, and telling him how perfect he is since. I spend my days at work wishing I were home.
I had other thoughts. 4am thoughts- eloquent and meaningful. They have escaped me. I guess it comes down to this. As a new Mommy, I am so grateful to have my son. I am grateful for his spirit, and for the tender moments we have together. The sweet prayers that I say over him as I rock him to sleep, conversations with our Heavenly Father. I am grateful, blessed, and loved.
Monday, October 6, 2014
Random Thoughts of the New Mommy
Life 2.0
That's really what life with Levi feels like- Life 2.0. Way, way better than it ever was before. Humor me as I stroll via photos through what has been the fastest and best 6 months of my entire life.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Baby Levi
It's been almost 6 months, but for the sake of journaling big life events- I'm going to keep record of it anyways. I'm sure my Grandma is proud. Either that or she is shaking her head at me... "Lisa, it's about time!"
Levi was due to be born on April 3. Which would have corresponded perfectly with us moving into our home, getting things settled, and maybe even having a day to spare. When I went to the dr for my 38 week appointment, I was seen by a different dr., as mine was on call at the hospital. Apparently this dr thought I was ready to get this show on the road, and took the liberty to strip my membranes without telling me- ouch! I started cramping right away from that, which segwayed into contractions at some point. By dinner time they were getting harder to ignore, so we went to dinner and ran a few errands to keep my mind off of it. As far as I was concerned, this baby was not coming for another week or so, and these contractions were nothing of significance. When we got home, I went to bed, and slept until about 1:30 am. At that point the contractions were strong enough to wake me up, and begin to time. They were only about 30 seconds long, so not even close to needing to go to the hospital.
Keep in mind- I have no pain tolerance at all. I was convinced that I would get to the hospital, and they would tell me that I was only at a 2, and they would send me home. So I waited until I really could not handle it anymore, and even then I was sure I would be turned away.
Around 2 am I woke up Christian so that I could have some company. We tried to watch a show, tried to walk around, use the exercise ball, eat some ice cream... All in an effort to distract me from the pain. Around 4 Christian called the dr on call to ask for advice- to go to the hospital or not. She told us to go to the hospital when we were ready for the epidural... All those years of medical school for that??!?
Soon after, my contractions started to really hurt. I took some Advil (as recommended- REALLY?! I am about to birth a baby, and I get 200 mg of Advil?!) I had one in particular that I remember not knowing if I was going to cry, throw up, or die. At that point I looked at Christian and told him that it was time to go to the hospital (4am). I didn't even have time to eat my bowl of ice cream! The drive seemed long and bumpy to me, each little bump seemed like it would kill me! I went from marveling that this was my life- this long, dark drive to the hospital to meet my baby, with my husband in the drivers seat, just like the movi.. HOLY CRAP THIS REALLY FREAKING HURTS!! GO SLOWER!! MORE SMOOTH!! WHY ARE YOU HITTING EVERY POTHOLE!! Then back to- Oh, how special! I really love him... High highs, low lows, people. When we got there, we got checked in and in the room, and much to my dismay- I was at a 7!! Holy crap, I remember looking at Christian in total panic. Mentally, we were both still thinking we had another week or so. I looked at Christian and told him- CALL MY MOM. He called her, and for some reason talking to her on the phone was the permission I needed to really really freak out. I was all tears and "I'm scared, Mom." And Hurry- really fast". And she was on the road by 5. I was checked in and and had the epidural all within 45 minutes of getting to the hospital. There were a few things that really scared me about the process of childbirth- and getting an epidural was one of them. Anyone sticking a needle in my spine, me needing to be perfectly still- it all freaked me out. I just stared at Christian with total panic, hoping that I Was doing it right. The epidural ended up being heaven sent, and allowed me to still feel a slight pressure of huge contraction, but took the pain out of it. We tried to watch tv- there is really nothing good on tv at 6am. Looking back on the experience in the hospital, there to have my babe- it all seems so surreal. Christian called his parents, we called my brother and sister in law, and settled in for a long while.
By late morning I hit 10cm. Levi was still pretty high, so my nurse had me switching from side to side in an effort to bring him down. Mentally, the hardest part was when my nurse checked me and said- "You're at 10cm."- but I still had to wait! I was at 10am for at least 4 hours... waiting for baby Levi to drop. The dr.- the same one who stripped my membranes the day before!!! was the dr on call. He came in around 2pm, and the nurses got the room ready. After only 4 or 5 pushes, little Levi was born- March 22, 2014, 7 lbs 2 oz, 18.25 inches long. Calm as a cucumber, only crying enough to let us know he was here, and ready to be heard. I am not sure who was crying more- baby Levi or Daddy. I snuggled my sweet babe for a bit, until he was whisked away for some cleaning and measuring, with Daddy hovering over him, marveling at his straight from heaven perfect-ness. Christian was such a support to me, and we are infatuated with our boy. He looks just like his daddy, and I wouldn't have it any other way. My mom got to the hospital within a few minutes of him being born, and was able to come in and meet him pretty quickly.
My temperature was slightly elevated after labor, so I was put on some meds to keep the fever away. Unfortunately, so was Levi. He had a sad little IV in his head, and it made nursing initially a little hard. But he's a trooper- and so am I. We figured it out, and I really love that special "Mommy time" as Christian likes to call it.
The rest of the time was a blur of snuggles, visitors, feeding, eating, snuggles, bathing, and more snuggles. Levi is the very best thing I have ever done- Christian and I could NOT be more in love.
We left the hospital on Monday, March 24th, and got the keys to our home not an hour later. More on that to come.
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
The Big One
There has never been a more devoted Daddy in the whole world. There has never been a man more in love with his family, a man more aware of the blessing of his son. When Levi was born, he didn't have to search at all to find his best friend- Christian and Levi have been best friends from Day 1. The picture above is equal parts heartwarming and heartbreaking. When Levi was 1 week old, (through a series of unfortunate events) he had to be admitted to Primary Children's hospital due to high bilirubin levels. Whatever, he didn't need to be there, and we were extremely frustrated by the staff and care there. Worst night of my life. Moving on. Christian sat like this, perched over Levi, on the most uncomfortable stool- ALL.NIGHT.LONG. It broke my heart to watch, but made me infinitely grateful for the innately kind and loving man I married. His heart is quick to be kind, and slow to find fault. He has stepped into his role as Daddy so seamlessly
Levi and I are the most lucky Mommy and son to have Christian. We know how lucky we are.
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Boy of My Dreams
I can't wait to meet my boy- the boy of my dreams. The dirt tracking, sound effect making (you know, when more spit comes out than sound), rain boot wearing, spitty open mouth kissing boy of my dreams.
I hope he loves to ski with his Daddy. In my dreams, he loves to ski. But he also loves to snuggle up with me, to watch Charlie Brown.
I hope he loves to play- especially with toys that don't have an on/off button. In my dreams he has a wild imagination- much like his cousin Michael. I hope he loves to play.
I hope he gets dirty. In my dreams I have an inner battle between loving his squeals of joy squeezing the mud through his fingers, and wanting to chase him around with a wet rag. I hope I do more watching, and less chasing.
I hope he reads- I hope he never stops loving to read. In my dreams, he has so many books- board books, hard cover books, boxcar children books, hardy boy books. I want him to know about all of the worlds he can escape to through books.
I hope my boy knows Jesus Christ. In my dreams, he knows Jesus is his brother. His knowledge makes him strong- a force to be reckoned with.
In my dreams, my boy loves to laugh. I hope he laughs his way through life, through success and failures alike.
I hope my boy is kind. I hope he takes after his Daddy that way- tender hearted to everyone he meets. I hope his kindness lights up a room.
Most of all- my boy is loved. Totally and completely, way too much, loved. In my dreams, and in real life, my boy is loved. I hope he is always greeted with smiles, warmth, and hugs. I hope he feels that love, all of the time. Even when he makes a mistake- my boy is completely loved by his Mom and Dad.
Thursday, December 12, 2013
22 (24) Weeks
Technically, I am 24 weeks today. This picture is from Thanksgiving 2013- when I was 22 weeks. Some things about my boy:
o He is funny- really funny! I was out shopping one day, and walked my a mirror- MISTAKE! I noticed how huge I was, and tried to zip up my vest to cover it up. So, in addition to looking like a busted can of biscuits, I was uncomfortable. I unzipped my vest, and immediately, he kicked me. Like a big ol' kick! He sure showed me.
o I'm still sick. Not as bad as before, and I have a system that seems to be working for us. I'm just taking pleasure in the fact that he is in the right place, doing the right thing.
o He is getting really active! Especially at night, when I'm winding down for bed. Christian got to feel a few really good kicks, too.
o Little boy is getting showered with sweet gifts and presents. He/I will want for nothing. Lots of gear, clothes, diapers, and he got his first handmade blanket the other day from his great grandma. It really is the most fun thing to be able to see those that you love, love your baby.
o My parents/brothers were in town this past weekend for Christians graduation (YAY!!). My Mom got to feel a few good kicks, as well. Baby boy was spoiled even more, and so was Mommy (me).
o Baby boy and I had a little scare the other day- nothing major, and in retrospect, not that big of a deal. But anything out of the ordinary has potential to really freak me out, and this was no different. It was perfect timing, though- my Mom was here to stay up all night to monitor some stuff, and to filter internet info for me. As well as wake up super early the next morning to go into the lab. It was one of those moments where I would have though- I want my Mom! And she was here!!
o Christian sure loves his boy. He has been so sweet to us, and makes sure we are always comfortable. Oh, he loves his wife, too. :)
That's about where we stand. 24 weeks, and settling in for the long winter.
Friday, November 15, 2013
Remembering
I always remember her- every day. At times, it takes me by surprise- the enormity in which I ache for her love and attention, even still. It's pretty unfair, not knowing how much you love someone, how much they are a part of you, until they are gone. Then, there is no going back- it doesn't matter how often, or with how much force you scream into the universe to bring them back- their physical time with you is over.
My Grandma's early life was far from an ideal childhood. She thirsted for a "family"- and it was her dream to make one for herself. She met my Grandpa, married, and began her family.
However- it seems her true happiness began when she became a Grandma. It doesn't matter how you got there- through blood, through marriage. I became hers through marriage. And if there ever was a little girl welcomed with the most open arms, it was me. I never felt "through marriage". I was always hers. I have always been hers.
I've been aching for her especially hard lately. I was so angry yesterday- she was taken from me too soon. I have so much to tell her. She needs to be here, so that she can ask me too many questions about my pregnancy, about my boy. So that she can get mad at me for not calling her often enough. How do I tell someone that they meant the world to me?
I will remember her, every day. Forever.
But what about my boy? Will he know her? Will he know if her passion for her family- him included?
